I'll be home for Christmas

Due to the stress and high demands of my job during the holidays, I won't be going to my parent's home for Christmas. This makes me sad. I couldn't listen to "I'll be Home for Christmas" for a while because in my mind, I wasn't going to be home.

I saw this a while back:

As a hopeless romantic, I want to embrace this. However, I struggle to accept this concept, especially around the holidays. I realize that marriage means leaving your parents (Genesis 2:24), but I struggle being away from Christmas for the holidays because I such fond memories of being with my family. Being married means a lot of adjustments and taking on new traditions.

I haven't made it home to California at all this year (yay for being poor newlyweds!). This would have also been my last chance to have Christmas in a house that I've know as home for 10 years. This would have also be the last chance I have to celebrate Christmas with my parents for 3 years.

As I sit here writing this post, I'm listening to Christmas and looked at my creche. Technically, Mary spent her first Christmas away from home as well. She too was away from her family and her conditions were far from comfortable.

I'm sure in a few years, these traditions will become my traditions. Until then, I'll keep adjusting and dreaming of being home for Christmas.

Good Friday

We love him, because he first loved us. 

-1 John 4:19 

I find it difficult to get out of bed when it's still dark outside and the person next to me is sound asleep. Still, I slowly pulled myself out of bed. I did not want to go to work today. I thought of the patients I would have to encounter.  I assessed the scratchiness of my sore throat and determined that I was not ill enough to call in sick. Then a charitable thought came into my mind as I made my way to the kitchen. This weekend was Easter and the 28 patients I worked with would have to spend this holiday away from home and their friends and families. I should try to make it as nice as I could.

I pulled a semi-wrinkled shirt from dryer. As I walked out of the kitchen, I looked at calendar. After dreamily looking at the turquoise water in the photograph of the Virgin Islands, I glanced down at today's date. Today was Good Friday, the day representing the Savior's crucifixion. As I went back into the bedroom, I found Nate lying in bed. The stress and frustration of Nate's unemployment crept up within me as well as my desire not to go to work. As my mind reflected back I thought back to the events of the sacred events that lead up to the day that we celebrate as Easter, I though about the Savior's hesitation (for lack of a better word) before he completed His work in Gethsemane as He said, "Father, if thou be willing, remove this cup from me: nevertheless not my will, but thine, be done" (Luke 22:42).

Christmas is a very busy time for me at work. Two to three weeks before Christmas is an absolute dead sprint as we buy and wrap presents for 30 patients (some we won't even meet until after Christmas) and planning activities for the leading up to and on Christmas on top of everything else we have to do every week (progress notes, running and charting groups, one to one sessions with patients, planning and preparing for weekend activities, treatment plans, discharge interviews, etc.). While everything seem to run smoothly this year (a first for me), it left me burned out and drained. I couldn't seem to recuperate from Christmas.

For the past three months, I have been dealing with many of the sickest patients of my career. And these patients have not been  coming one at a time, they come in groups. As we help them to stabilize and return to the community, we get more patients replacing them that are just as sick or worse. I feel like I am competing in a triathlon that I haven't prepared for.

I kissed Nate good-bye and as I walked outside, the birds were chirping and the sky was a watercolor of blues, oranges, and pinks. Something I would have missed if I had called in sick. I listened to The Olive Press on my way to work.  I really enjoy how Truman G. Madsen was able to point out the symbolism of the Holy Land in relation to the Savior's teachings.

As I continued to think of the Atonement, I thought of the verse in Alma 7 "And he shall go forth, suffering pains and afflictions and temptations of every kind; and this that the word might be fulfilled which saith he will take upon him the pains and the sicknesses of his people" (v.11). The Savior felt what I felt today. He has felt my frustration, apathy, and weariness. Shayne M. Bowen said, “as we rely on the Atonement of Jesus Christ, He can help us endure our trials, sicknesses, and pain. We can be filled with joy, peace, and consolation. All that is unfair about life can be made right through the Atonement of Jesus Christ” ("Because I Live, Ye Shall Live Also", CR Oct 2012).  He too worked with people who were difficult and did not feel that they needed help. He even had those whom he loved and they loved Him sleep as He faced a difficult challenge (Matthew 25:40).

These past couple of months has made me appreciate what Easter represents. How grateful I am that we have a God whose plan included a Savior. "Herein is love, not that we loved God, but that he loved us, and sent his Son to be the propitiation for our sins" (1 John 4:10). He is a Savior not saving us from our sins, but someone to save us from drowning as we go through the trials that refine us to become more like Him (Matthew 14:31, "How Firm a Foundation" v. 4-5).

Two songs relate how I feel about Easter this year:

Things I loved and didn't love about my wedding and advice for future brides

Things I loved

• Hair and make-up professionally done- I never really learned how to apply my make-up the right way. I am glad that I left it into the hands of a professional so I would feel more confident about how I looked in pictures.
• Flowers- I thought the florist that I hired did such a lovely job.
• The groom- I picked the right one for that day and everyday thereafter. :)
• The reception site- I loved that I got to have an outdoor reception with the option of being able to move indoors in case of bad weather.
• Bridesmaid's dresses: it turned out that all of my bridesmaids knew how to sew. My matron of honor opted to make a dress while my other two bridesmaids decided to make a skirt and wear a coordinated top. I thought they looked beautiful. I am glad they had the option to wear something that they felt confident in. 
• The dresses and accessories- I was able to wear my mother's wedding dress for the ceremony (which my grandmother made). For the ceremony, I wore my pearls which I had received for my 16th birthday, when I started dating and my adventure to find Nate began. On my bouquet I carried my other grandmother's pin. It was sweet to have something that belonged to her with me. My other dress, I also loved. It was expensive, but it was something that I had search for 15 years for. I also loved that I could say that I paid for it myself.
• Vendors- the florist delivered the flowers to the reception site and to the temple, the reception site set up the tables and chairs were set up, the caterer cooked and prepared to serve the food, and all my family had to set up were the details (at least to my knowledge).  I decided to invest money so that my family would be able to enjoy the day with me.
• The wedding night suite- Nate and I splurged and spent our wedding night at a fancy hotel (the rest of our honeymoon was spent at a friend's timeshare). It really was the perfect ending to that wonderful day.

Things I didn't love and would change

• Getting ready alone- I  had my nails done before I went down to Utah. It felt weird that I didn't have a friend, sister, or a mother with me at the salon. I invited my bridal party to come and get ready with me on my wedding day but because they were staying with relatives out of town, they felt it was too early for them to get up to Logan early (which is totally understandable). It just felt lonely and not as exciting.
•  My photos- I need to preface this. Part of this is my fault. I didn't send the list of photos that I wanted to the photographer until late the day before. I don't know if he got it or not, but there were shots that I wanted that were missing. For example, I asked for details of my dress. My favorite part of my dress was the detail on my train. There is not a single photo out of the 374 pictures taken at my wedding that shows that. However, I do have to say I was impressed with the color, lighting, and style of our wedding photographer and there are quite a few pictures that I really like.
• Get a real bustle- my dress came with a bustle built in, but the train was still long that it could still be easily trampled on. I ended carrying my train by putting my hand through the loop that is supposed to hook the train to the hanger when you put it in a garment bag. 
• Food- it was good, but not amazing. I wish I had the opportunity to sample the food before my wedding day.

Tips for future brides

•  Utilize the talents of friends and family- but don't abuse.
• Be specific in the list you give the photographer and get it to him/her early- I saw a bunch of pictures of pinterest that I wanted get something similar to. I though I was going to offend the photographer by asking him to copy someone else's work (since technically photographers are artists). Looking back on it, you're paying the photographer something in the 4 figure range, get the photos you want!! Show them examples and be specific. I think what happened was that the photographer saw my list and he thought he was getting what I asked for. Going back to the example the details of my dress. Looking back on it, the photographer got details of my dress, it was in a more artistic way and not all the details of the dress. Remember that they are photographers not mind readers.
• Take bridals with your groom- I tried to do that because there was a photographer whose work I loved, but could afford to have him cover my wedding. I tried to have him do my bridals but because of going to a conference for work (which happened to be on a cruise) and Hawaii that summer I was not on my boss' or my co-workers' best sides for missing so much work. So I couldn't go down to Utah on a day that worked for the photographer. In our wedding photos, Nate has a great smile for the group photos, but from the first individual photo, you can tell he's tired of smiling (we both kind of did. The pictures from our ring ceremony are well... we don't look ecstatic). I am still slightly debating whether or not to take "bridals" in the spring or one year anniversary.
• Celebrate with your bridal party before the wedding- My matron of honor tried to organize a get together the day before my wedding. With the bridal party spread out over a hundred miles the day before my wedding (and I, the bride, being on the outskirts of it) did not want to have to be driving so much right before my wedding when so many little details needed to be done. What was sad was that Kathy came out of California, Melissa from New York, and Katie drove over 2 hours to be there, I felt like I had hardly anytime to spend with my girls. 
• Go with the flow- our  guest started leaving before the fathers could give speeches and we could give our thank you speech. We'll never know what embarrassing stories our fathers would have shared. We didn't want to keep people so, we just said our good-byes and tried to fit in everything else (cutting cake, bouquet toss, and our big exit).
• You're wedding isn't going to be "perfect", but you will still love it and be perfect to you- I had been the girl who started looking at wedding dresses when she was 11. I had even gone and tried on wedding dresses long I got engaged, even long before I met Nate. I have hundred of pins on pinerest that are dedicated to all things wedding. I didn't have time to do all the little things I had seen and wanted to do. It's okay. I still loved my wedding and it was a wonderful day.

Even though there were things that I would change if I could do it over again, things that weren't done the way I had seen in my head or captured the way that I wanted it to, I still loved my wedding day. I was surrounded by the people I love and who helped me made me the woman I was that day.